a couple of days ago, jonathan asked me why i hadn't updated my blog in ages and i told him i guess its because i don't really know how to put the millions of thoughts running through my head into proper, coherent words.

but now that i think back on it, i realised the real reason for not posting.

blogging about SOV 2010,
about how claire, jocelyn, jia en and i koped probably the biggest girls dressing room,
about how both excited and flushed we were about having to change costumes while the guys sang stopping by woods,
about how we rehearsed one voice, forgetting to stand upfront at the edge of the stage rather than diagonally, as per siglap pracs,
about how we camwhored the entire time in the corridors with our absolutely gorgeous Venezian (not made in China) masks,
about eating dinner with the year 2 sop 2 girls, edwin and singgih,
about forcing people like robin loh to take pictures,
about taking one final, full year 2 photo in our choir gowns and blazers,
about how the year 2s tried so hard not to think about words like 'last, final, one more time, step down...' but ended up thinking about it and discussing it anyway,
about how cheryl made the entire room of sops cry with her thoughtful gift,
about how vanessa and i were recording our last warm-up as the 2010 VJ CHOIR batch,
about standing backstage, hearing the esplanade bell ring and waiting excitedly,
about how fast the first half of SOV went by,
about hearing the guys singing Yu Chang and thinking 'ah Venice!',
about finally changing costumes,
about the year 2s listening to the year 1s sing I Set My Sail,
about the year 2s performing our awesomely cute, and well, just plain awesome Java Jive,
about nearly falling off the stage at the end of one voice,
about robin ng practically blasting the starting notes for Hallelujah and the rest of us chuckling on stage,
about how we could practically hear the audience think "how can they sing like that when they're sprawled on the floor",
about singing Ill Coro for encore,
about anticipating No Man Is An Island,
about crying even before bloody opening my mouth to sing it,
about seeing the year 3s and all the other VJ CHOIR members come up to the front,
about hearing all the sniffles during the song,
about that magical final chord, no matter how much it quivered with all our tears and dare i say, snot,
about how i felt walking off that stage one last time,
about how all of us were hugging and crying backstage,
about mr kwei teasing us, especially the girls, for crying so much, so hard and for so long,
about him telling us how he felt,
about him telling us how he loved us,
about hearing robin loh's voice one last time for his last debrief,
about hearing his voice go higher and higher each time he spoke,
about packing up and scanning our name cards as we exited,
about going for 'the final supper' after everything,
and finally about how i felt after reaching home,
the things i've been through from 15 November 2008- 11 May 2010,
the hard work, determination, strength, sore throats, frustration, tears, hugs, smiles, joy, laughter, beautiful music, everything that i experienced the whole time...


i felt that by typing all of this down, and publishing it in a post, it would finalise the fact that i have stepped down.

that all the wondering about how empty my after-school mondays and wednesdays, and saturdays would feel would become real thoughts, swirling in my head when i try to study.

i was scared to admit that 'i am no longer an active VJ CHOIR member' (i say this because, once a VJ CHOIR member, ALWAYS a VJ CHOIR member), scared of what it would feel like, to watch my darling year 1s practise while trying to concentrate on studies.

i guess i was never one for change, big changes in particular.

leaving cedar and coming to VJ was already a little difficult, separating from people like annmarie, may xuen, rena, sherri, soleil, sonam and yi min.

although, the impact was cushioned by the fact that i still had 2 more years of 'school' per say and probably my early admission into VJ made it easier too.

but the end of SOV 2010 only means, A levels, and graduationg from VJ. then comes the well-deserved break. but what about after that? uni-life, adult transport fares, etc. all totally different, totally new experiences. and it won't be like moving from primary school to secondary school and then to JC. no.

things will be so much more different. so...not the same. its so scary to think about the future, or more like, to think about what it has in store for us.

stepping down just brings me one step closer to this...unknown.

just today, after the VJ CHOIR guys played soccer, we were singing carols in the Choir Room, when we started singing O Holy Night, my favourite carol. the whole time i was so happy, singing with everyone. until we came to the 'chorus' after "for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn", i felt so choked up with emotions at that point on, thinking about how much i loved spontaneously singing like that, and how much i love caroling and just being with VJ CHOIR. i almost teared up in front of everyone there.

now i've come to accept the fact that life has to go on. while i hold on to everything dear to me, i can't ignore the future and live in denial, refusing to grow up and get on with life, pretty much like what i've been doing so far.

my feelings for VJ CHOIR and everything else will never change. and i will forever treasure my time spent with these amazing people, the year 3s, like our parents, the year 2s like 39 brothers and sisters, and the year 1s, like little kids, watching them grow up and take our position as of 11 May 2010.

this is going to sound so dramatic, but this post has really helped me to find closure. like zhi yang said, i'm a gazillion times more happy that i am a part of ths AMAZING choir, than i am sad that i've stepped down :D

i know i've said this countless times, but each time i say it, i love you guys even more.

I♥VJCHOIR




♥nan

alexandria