DEAR DIARY
12:11 AM
my interest in studying is slowly being revived thanks to chem :D
although, i doubt that will happen with econs anytime soon.
less than 14 hours till chem paper starts.
so what the hell am i doing here?
off to chiong organic chem!
---
134 days.
♥nan
11:49 AM
PW presentation.Operation Bathe Pig XDCT1s.Sops clean-up.Camp Luminosa '10 pre-camp (:
Choir Camp :D
Choir BBQ :D
Horny Night? XP
Rhapsody guest performance :D
Venice :D
SOV 2010 :D
External CIP-trip to the zoo (:
Camp Luminosa '10 (:
SATs.
CT2s.
Prelims.
As.♥nan
1:22 AM
after looking at the date i realised...
exactly 2 months ago i was sleeping in bed, subconciously excited to join all my beloved VJ CHOIR people later that night at terminal 1, eagerly waiting to board the flight to Venice.
i miss that feeling :\
♥♥nan
1:07 AM
i can't continue this way.
i need to buck up, big time.
there's no more time to slack.
study study study. thats the way it has to be now.
if i want to enjoy my 8 months of freedom, i've gotta make my payments now by studying as hard as i can.
no such thing as 'sick of studying'.
i gotta suck it up and just do it. i mean, so many other people have done this, and are doing this. so its not impossible for me either.
i gotta stop complaining and start doing something.
either that, or the more i complain, the harder i should work.
my one last breather lasts till 5th July and after that its all work and no play.
i'm going to do this.
136 days.
19.4 weeks.
4.4 months.
including today, excluding 10th November.
to As.
let the countdown begin.
♥nan
2:34 AM
i just had a super interesting 2hour phone conversation with chon kiat.
life in itself is a mystery...
♥nan
10:39 PM
and the same f***ing people know how to CONTINUE spoiling your days.
but too bad. it didn't affect me today. HA.
cause i FINALLY got to see zhi yang again! and my he's changed. okie lah, not like a DRASTIC change, but still a significant change haha but aiyoh, he was still coughing every now and then.
mm i'm so glad you came haha. its so good to see you again after such a long time, botak sommore heehee XD really made my day! :D you look pretty cool in your uniform btw XD haha take care okies kor! :D
another bunch of cute, retarded, silly, awsome, lovely people just got me laughing so much when i reached home today. i don't know what i'd do without my lovelies, i swear.
♥annmarie
♥may xuen
♥rena
♥sherri
♥soleil
♥sonam
♥yi min
you guys rock! stone! pebbles!
i can't wait to see you all again, together. all 8ight of us (:
♥ you guys TTM!
life's so much better when you've got awesome friends who colour your life and make it the rainbow it is (:
♥nan
9:59 PM
some f***ing people just know how to spoil your day.
♥nan
8:30 AM
i feel so loved
♥♥nan
9:19 PM
...birds singing in the sycamore tree
dream a little dream of me...
---
gah.
that song has been running through my head the past few days and i cant seem to get it out and the worst thing is, i have a splitting headache that refuses to go away.
but i guess its not too bad cause i'm done with everything in bio and maths except organelles and freaking vectors. imma have to borrow someone's cue cards for a day, cause i can't find mine :\ and every morning imma do 1hr worth of vectors and combined questions to practise. time to chiong chem and econs :\
it was fun catching up with serene and bridget today through sms haha (: missed talking to them for so long. we all end CTs/mid years/whatever-you-want-to-call them on the 1st of july, so we're planning to hang out the day after! something to look forward to after those darned papers :D
---
just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me...
i've been waiting for a long time now for you to tell me that. or anything really. you don't know how hard it is trying to wait patiently for you to respond. i'm not asking for a 3-paged letter or the likes. just a simple hey, and how things are going for you. is it really that hard?
you can't just say something like that and take off. do you even realise how selfish you're being? and if you're just plain embarassed about everything, i'd rather you tell it to my face, than to tell everyone BUT me. thanks SO MUCH for respecting the friendship we've had the past 18 freaking years.
that being said i hope you know that now that you've let this happen, my opinion of you has completely changed. and i'm talking a 180. i'm not sure if i feel the same anymore, but i know i've formed my new opinion, and its not a very nice picture.
i don't have anything much left to say. whatever decision you make is fine by me. but just so you know, there's no turning back. if you chose to ignore everything, i'll just stand there watching everything crumble, if that's what you really want.
it was nice knowing you.
♥nan
9:58 PM
are you even worth the tears?
♥nan
9:11 PM
some people are just so irritating.
there's one group of people who are just so insufferable at times, i just can't put up my usual facade and pretend to be okay. and when i do voice my thoughts, i feel so guilty and bad, its so unfair. like, i can't help but get angry, but when i do, i feel terrible.
and there's another group who just takes things for granted. i just don't know what to say.
i was supressing my feelings the entire day so i didn't spoil everyone else's mood just because mine was spoilt.
i really wonder if i can keep this up.
overall, today wasn't as good a day as i'd hoped it would be.
---
on the plus side, i got to see claire! (:
haha and of course, i got to wish the birthday boy in person (:
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY LOH! :D
you looked so happy today! its so nice to see you smile a big, wide, proper smile, unlike the fake smile like during the DSA interviews heehee XD don't emo and turn that smile into a frown okie! or in your case, a stoned face. haha
its been pretty awesome, getting to know you the past 1.5 years and you've been the best choir pres we could've ever asked for (:
jia you for everything! especially As! (: take care loh and stay happy! (:
♥nan
11:44 PM
11 hours of mugging chem today in bishan with beat and jas.
my brain is FRIED.
it was really productive though :D learnt a few things and managed to retain a lot of info. although we were going bonkers by the end of the day. i swear jasmine gets high DAMN easy.
studied at mos first, had lunch then moved to coffee bean.
omg when we entered it was like WOAH. a whole cafe full of muggers, i swear.
after we plopped our stuff on the table i thought i saw someone familiar at the table behind mine and i realised it was yongkee. haha really look like some hardcore mugger sia.
oh, i saw roy in the morning too. he was boarding the mrt that i had just alighted. apparently he was going to play badminton with his friends.
saw jessica as well, while we were at coffee bean. she was going to see a movie wth. people here trying to cram chem into our brains, and that woman happy happy go see movie. lol
oh speaking of coffee bean, the carrot cake was really pretty amazing! haha
beatrice and jasmine! we should go out and mug together again! and this time we'll drag jolene along too! haha
mm less than 2 weeks left of hols. time sure passes by fast. hope i'll be well-prepared this time around.
of course like any other person, i'd be damn happy to get all As. but lets be realistic. i don't think i'll be able to do that, at least not this time round.
although, i am hoping for 2As for Bio and Maths. hopefully, a C in Chem, a D/E for Econs and a C for GP.
but setting my sights on something is one thing and actually working hard towards it and accomplishing it is another.
i really do hope i can pull it together this time. i don't want to have a repeat of mid years, promos, r papers and CT1s again.
woah, okies. that A LOT. and i sure don't want to add on.
i'm really worried about Econs though.
sigh.
well i better get back to studying now. or at least go to bed. tomorrow's going to be a long day. but get to see claire! YAY! (:
oh and HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY YONG YANG :D
♥nan
10:20 PM
oh and my awesome dad fixed my laptop already! he's seriously the best ♥
SOH! i can msn with you honey! :D sorry about the other day >.<
♥nan
10:04 PM
and sometimes, the ones you love the most surprise you the best.
---
although, i must admit, i'm still confused.
♥nan
11:17 PM
wtf.
i reset my password cause some idiot hacked into my account a while back.
now i can't remember it.
i wouldn't have had this problem if my laptop hadn't been attacked by trojan virus, cause my password is automatically remembered there.
and when i try to reset my hotmail password they're being OH SO HELPFUL by sending a temporary password...TO THE F***ING SAME ACCOUNT! yeah, i can TOTALLY sign in to my email, to get my temporary password, and sign in again using it. *rolls eyes* wtf!
last time this happened to my sister, after a LONG time of trying, my mum used her email to email for help.
she got a reply from the person (not a computer generated email) asking her, 'if its your daughter's account, why are you emailing me? it should be her'
the whole reason we're emailing you, dammit, is cause we can't access her email! and yet you give us this bullshit? where's your common sense?!
although, yeah its stupid to forget your password and all.
but this is NOT being helpful...AT ALL!
ugh.
people these days...
♥nan
5:25 PM
sometimes the people you love the most, end up hurting you the worst.
♥nan
8:31 PM
a couple of days ago, jonathan asked me why i hadn't updated my blog in ages and i told him i guess its because i don't really know how to put the millions of thoughts running through my head into proper, coherent words.
but now that i think back on it, i realised the real reason for not posting.
blogging about SOV 2010,
about how claire, jocelyn, jia en and i koped probably the biggest girls dressing room,
about how both excited and flushed we were about having to change costumes while the guys sang stopping by woods,
about how we rehearsed one voice, forgetting to stand upfront at the edge of the stage rather than diagonally, as per siglap pracs,
about how we camwhored the entire time in the corridors with our absolutely gorgeous Venezian (not made in China) masks,
about eating dinner with the year 2 sop 2 girls, edwin and singgih,
about forcing people like robin loh to take pictures,
about taking one final, full year 2 photo in our choir gowns and blazers,
about how the year 2s tried so hard not to think about words like 'last, final, one more time, step down...' but ended up thinking about it and discussing it anyway,
about how cheryl made the entire room of sops cry with her thoughtful gift,
about how vanessa and i were recording our last warm-up as the 2010 VJ CHOIR batch,
about standing backstage, hearing the esplanade bell ring and waiting excitedly,
about how fast the first half of SOV went by,
about hearing the guys singing Yu Chang and thinking 'ah Venice!',
about finally changing costumes,
about the year 2s listening to the year 1s sing I Set My Sail,
about the year 2s performing our awesomely cute, and well, just plain awesome Java Jive,
about nearly falling off the stage at the end of one voice,
about robin ng practically blasting the starting notes for Hallelujah and the rest of us chuckling on stage,
about how we could practically hear the audience think "how can they sing like that when they're sprawled on the floor",
about singing Ill Coro for encore,
about anticipating No Man Is An Island,
about crying even before bloody opening my mouth to sing it,
about seeing the year 3s and all the other VJ CHOIR members come up to the front,
about hearing all the sniffles during the song,
about that magical final chord, no matter how much it quivered with all our tears and dare i say, snot,
about how i felt walking off that stage one last time,
about how all of us were hugging and crying backstage,
about mr kwei teasing us, especially the girls, for crying so much, so hard and for so long,
about him telling us how he felt,
about him telling us how he loved us,
about hearing robin loh's voice one last time for his last debrief,
about hearing his voice go higher and higher each time he spoke,
about packing up and scanning our name cards as we exited,
about going for 'the final supper' after everything,
and finally about how i felt after reaching home,
the things i've been through from 15 November 2008- 11 May 2010,
the hard work, determination, strength, sore throats, frustration, tears, hugs, smiles, joy, laughter, beautiful music, everything that i experienced the whole time...
i felt that by typing all of this down, and publishing it in a post, it would finalise the fact that i have stepped down.
that all the wondering about how empty my after-school mondays and wednesdays, and saturdays would feel would become real thoughts, swirling in my head when i try to study.
i was scared to admit that 'i am no longer an active VJ CHOIR member' (i say this because, once a VJ CHOIR member, ALWAYS a VJ CHOIR member), scared of what it would feel like, to watch my darling year 1s practise while trying to concentrate on studies.
i guess i was never one for change, big changes in particular.
leaving cedar and coming to VJ was already a little difficult, separating from people like annmarie, may xuen, rena, sherri, soleil, sonam and yi min.
although, the impact was cushioned by the fact that i still had 2 more years of 'school' per say and probably my early admission into VJ made it easier too.
but the end of SOV 2010 only means, A levels, and graduationg from VJ. then comes the well-deserved break. but what about after that? uni-life, adult transport fares, etc. all totally different, totally new experiences. and it won't be like moving from primary school to secondary school and then to JC. no.
things will be so much more different. so...not the same. its so scary to think about the future, or more like, to think about what it has in store for us.
stepping down just brings me one step closer to this...unknown.
just today, after the VJ CHOIR guys played soccer, we were singing carols in the Choir Room, when we started singing O Holy Night, my favourite carol. the whole time i was so happy, singing with everyone. until we came to the 'chorus' after "for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn", i felt so choked up with emotions at that point on, thinking about how much i loved spontaneously singing like that, and how much i love caroling and just being with VJ CHOIR. i almost teared up in front of everyone there.
now i've come to accept the fact that life has to go on. while i hold on to everything dear to me, i can't ignore the future and live in denial, refusing to grow up and get on with life, pretty much like what i've been doing so far.
my feelings for VJ CHOIR and everything else will never change. and i will forever treasure my time spent with these amazing people, the year 3s, like our parents, the year 2s like 39 brothers and sisters, and the year 1s, like little kids, watching them grow up and take our position as of 11 May 2010.
this is going to sound so dramatic, but this post has really helped me to find closure. like zhi yang said, i'm a gazillion times more happy that i am a part of ths AMAZING choir, than i am sad that i've stepped down :D
i know i've said this countless times, but each time i say it, i love you guys even more.
I♥VJCHOIR
♥nan
